**Insert excuses for lack of blogging action here.**
They may include, but are not limited to, alien abductions, the removal of a Siamese twin, doing jail time for attempts on the president's life, and falling in love.
Decleaning Your House
If you are anything like myself, (a human being with no flaws at all, a fantastic physique, a face a model would kill for, and more money than you can count, but enough brains to invest it and do my own taxes), then you probably loathe the idea of cleaning, yet you desire the sanitation and relaxation that comes with a clutter free lifestyle.
Here is my revolt. Here is your guide to loving the character-rich apartment that a mess makes.
Rules
Refrigerators need to be turned off or thrown away:
Refrigerators are cold, meaning they can hold food for a long time before it decays. This is
both good and bad. You want your house to have its own fragrance so that people can return and feel nostalgic for the old times. The fridge stink can aid this, but it does take longer than – say, putting your leftovers on the windowsill or in the dryer. Also, an efficient fridge will take away from the colorful forms of life that you have brought into the universe. You are creating life from fuel. If that's not the greatest thing ever, I don't know what is. You are the god of your fungal colony. The fridge just delays your universe.
Drawers are stupid:
Doing laundry is a necessary evil. It should be completely abolished, but lo and behold “society” doesn't approve of your own personal scent and it doesn't treat people kindly when it realizes the tie dye effect on your shirt is actually just a pattern created by rings of your own sweat. So, you're stuck cleaning your clothing. It's necessary to get rid of your drawers and scatter your clean clothes about the room creating colorful rugs and patterned piles of art. These piles of wearable art are also a wonderful alternative to furniture. They can be arranged to mimic beds, sofas, tables, and even litter boxes.
Dvds and Cds are excellent building blocks:
I have walked into many houses adorned with shelves packed with DVDs and CDs. These fixtures are trite and uninteresting. I suggest, after sprawling your DVDs on the floor, building towers, houses, and even a domino-like trail of pillars. Now, your precious treasures have doubled their entertainment value.
Shower texture:
Why is getting clean always a messy process? A bathtub full of products to rid your body of dirt do nothing but leave their films and shaving scum all over the place. Why even deal with this if your next shower just adds to the collection? You, fine homewowner, need to understand the value of saving. If you are patient, you will be able to reap the rewards of a uniquely textured bathtub. No more slipping on the smooth surface, and no more of that harsh white porcelain blinding you. Shower cake also holds heat, so you will remain in hot water longer than with a regular tub.
Vacuums suck:
Carpet is coming back, people! Now, you are pressured into carpeting your wonderful tile or hardwood floor. That could cost a fortune! Fear not, a simple toss of your Hoover can actually create that soft, warm, shag carpet feel. Carpet build up will even be expedited if you own animals. Now you can stop cleaning up the shedding of your favorite pet. Throw that damned vacuum away and grow your own carpet with dust bunnies and dirt trailings.
So stop wasting your life getting rid of the inevitable. Embrace it and become one with the mess. You'll see that you have more time and energy and perhaps, if you are lucky, discover a new strain of bacteria.
