Zen and the Art of the Grillz

______As I advance in years, I watch the youth around me voraciously cling to trends and pop culture practices in order to find a group that will welcome them and embrace them as individuals. However, once in a while a trend is so artfully expressed, so creatively refined, that it ascends beyond the fifteen minute time limit. In today's terms, this would be that which is classical and timeless, a trend that is more “a revolution of the mind”*, such a force of truth and beauty that to part with it would mean the collapse of our social civilization.

_____I am talking about that which is the staple of an entire cultural experience: The Grillz.

_____Its wearers sacrifice the health of one of their most important orifices to honor the practice of Grillin'. Hours of bleeding gums, chipped enamel, rotting remnants of your last five meals, Grillz fosters them all while still showing your dawg you have enough cheese to afford such high gloss ice. These oral ornaments are a salute to the creator in thanks for his most masterful creation housed in the human body, “teef”.

_____True Grillaz, wearers of the Grillz, know that any old snap-ons or cubic zirconium studded incisors are a shameful display and are only worn by the most sycophantic of Grillaz wannabes. Proper Grillz require an oral jeweler, a rare genius gifted in the application of, removal of, and general maintenance of Grillz. To be sure that your oral jeweler is of a high caliber, you may want to ask him these few questions:

1. How many Grillz have you installed?

2. If one were to lose a few karats by accident, how long would it take for it to pass through one's digestive system?

3. Would you be willing to recover said karats?

4. If I can't afford gold, which polishes would guarantee my brass Grillz won't tarnish?

5. Can I please get a certification of authenticity with my Grillz so I can pass it on as a family heirloom?

Maintaining healthy Grillz is important if you are serious about honoring this legendary practice. Here are a few rules to abide by when wearing your Grillz:

1. Never ever smile with actual happiness with Grillz in your mouth. This will cause scratching and bleeding in your inner mouth.

2. Remove Grillz whenever engaging in oral sex of any kind. Not only is it extremely disrespectful to wear Grillz while engaging in such activities, it is a surefire way to lose your companion for the evening.

3. When displaying proper dedication, it may be necessary to skip meals or start an all liquid diet when proper cleaning utensils are not available and you are asked to dine in any situation.

4. BRACES are by no means the “training bra” of a mature Grillz. Please don't cheese like they are.

5. Incorporating his lord and savior into any piece of jewelry is the finest way to commemorate an entire religion's basis of existence. This is true for Grillz are well.

6. By no means shall wearing tin foil or gum wrappers ever be considered anything less than blasphemy.

7. Grillz are a powerful weapon. Please bite responsibly.

Quality grillz can be purchased at:

Grillz Authority

Abercrombie and Grillz

The Grillz Barn

Resortation HardGrillz

and, the most reliable of all Grillz retailers: Grillz R Us. (please be sure to turn you volume up for the complete experience)

*quote hijacked from Vanilla Sky