New Years Manual

If you're anything like the typical being you have probably found New Year's one of the most disappointing holidays of the year. Why? Well, there are numerous theories about being exhausted from the soul sucking Xmas rush or being tapped out of funds because you tried to buy something that would warrant a smile from even your least liked friends. Maybe New Year's blows because the entire party is centered around watching a glorified tangle of mini lights slide down a stick. Whatever the reason, here are some ways to weather the New Years Disapparty.

The Show You Are Missing

*Don't focus on your resolutions (you know they're non committal fluff you delude yourself into believing for the purpose of giving your life the illusion of momentum); focus on your friends. Have they had enough to drink? Have they had enough of your drink? And perhaps their neighbor's drink? Alcohol is the key here. You can even slip them some extra happy with a Benadryl in their champagne. Any over the counter decongestant will do the trick. Why are you inevitably lining your friends up to hunch down over the toilet bowl? Because they are damned entertaining right before they decide to relive everything they ate that day in reverse. You can gage the success of their show by following this simple rubric:

*- one star for any embarrassing gesture or utterance such as confessions of obsession, true love or incredible lust, small stumbles, Freudian slips, etc.

** - two stars for gestures or utterances made to the same sex, humping of any inanimate object, admittance of infatuation to a co worker of a higher position, the phrase “Where are my shoes?” or impromptu karaoke without a karaoke machine.

*** - three stars for a fight, urination in inappropriate places such as plants, the kitty litter box, and/or roommates' beds, floor swimming (an activity that occurs when you just want to lay down and the hardwood floor looks so comfortable, but getting up from it induces the spins), inappropriate molestation of a passed out party member including, but not limited to Sharpie art, clothing removal, incriminating poses with animals/furniture, tea bagging, fruit baskets, warm water hand tricks, etc.

**** - four stars for same sex making out sessions, illicit sexual acts, police/FBI raid, anything that warrants the fire department to stop by, any of the aforementioned acts video taped and posted on the Internet.

Instigate Marital Strife

Many New Years bouts of misery are directly related to the fact that everyone has had/ is having more sex than you. If you find yourself the single one out in these situations, you may experience great satisfaction in unmasking their “happy couple”smugness.

Step 1 – Pick a topic known to bring dystopia to the union.

- past sexual partners

- household chores

- married yet?

- what about baby?

- “alone” time

- driving

- flirting with strangers

- breaking up/divorce statistics

Step 2 – Make topic personal. For example, Mandy and Tom are smiling artificially at you when they ask who you are dating. You simple smile back and say, “Well, I am a free agent. I don't believe in relationships or monogamy. It's so incredible to be able to just enjoy yourself without having to worry about (insert topic of choice). I mean if (either Mandy or Tom) were single, I'd show you how freeing it can be. *touch target on the shoulder, look into target's eyes* Remember that time, (name of target)? Denial at this point will only help you. Just smile knowingly and walk away seductively. Make sure to look over at the chosen target every couple of minutes in order to ensure a lasting effect.

Step 3 - Enjoy the rewards of a well placed wrench. Mingle, pair off the separated ones with each other so the party goes from a collection of gooey couples to one messy blob, much more fun.

Make Your Own Ball

Attitude is everything. Convince yourself that no matter how lame or lumpy you may feel, this party WILL rock so drink, sing, pants a few people and to hell with everyone else. If you don't make things happy, no one will.

Headless Horse

Memories of waking up in a sea of wrapping paper, indulging in the material joys of childhood, are all in the past now. As an adult you are no longer drunk on the strawberry scented plastic of your youth. You are now stuck in that frozen half smile of "is this gift a punishment for something I did?" for the holidays. At the end of it all you are broke, exhausted and you truly like about 1% of all the gifts you have received. What do you do with all of the extras? I happen to live by a landfill (which explains why my fish have lived so long) and my desperate attempt to avoid becoming "the junk lady" has lured me to the gate of that seagull-circled castle of waste on more than one occasion .
I may die a cat lady or alone eaten by dogs a la Bridget Jones, but I will never be the "the junk lady". You know, the kind of person who buys gifts and stows them away in a room which is impossible to walk through and that looks like a massive land feature from far away. Up close you see that the mysterious crag is actually a collection of millions of useless things like novelty alcohol sets that come with a bottle of whatever and two cups labeled with the brand, turning you into a walking, talking, sample-giving advertisement. But I digress...at great length.

As an adult, gift giving is for the kids. We can vicariously watch them get the things our apparently non clairvoyant caretakers did not get for us. My dreams were shattered as my two year old cousin ripped opened fake food and cabbage patch dolls. I guess it's better that no one bought her the mechanical mare that I had been both entranced and horrified by. Here is what the wonderful patrons of Amazon.com said about the plaything:

Or you can view the Assembly Video

" What a great product?, December 3, 2006

Reviewer:

J. Downing (Columbus, OH USA) - See all my reviews

"You may wish to not open the box around your children if they may be frightened by a box with a decapitated horse inside."

Isn't that all you need to know? I wish more products carried this disclaimer. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. "


and

" Great fun for my grandson- and Me!, December 25, 2006

Reviewer:

J. A. Stump "karma mama" (Ellicott City, MD USA) - See all my reviews

We got the pony for our little grandson- although it is marketed for girls, he saw one at a store and fell in love with it early in the fall. I was able to get one for the retail price, thankfully; and my husband and I put it together with no problems, once we laughed at the obvious "Godfather" deja-vu of the horse's head detached in the box!
I have had a BLAST with this "animal"; the only complaint I have is that it does not walk and cannot follow me around the house! When Noah first saw it, he just clapped and squealed, he was so happy! This has been worth evey penny already."


Ahh, crappy reviews and spelling mistakes aside, I guess the Butterscotch Pony horrors are not just figments of my overactive and morbid imagination. There definitely IS something very wrong with life sized robots posing as animal friends.

Dear Java,

Coffee, there is something I need to tell you. I don't just taste you, letting you wash over my tongue, I consume you letting you heat me from the inside. You know I enhance your natural flavors, or hide them with sugars and creams, because I love you. I know I shouldn't try to change you, but I don't just taste you, I feel you. Your naturally acrid taste and sinister looks lure me back every time. What girl doesn't like a bad boy? I have tried others, but decaf is plain and boring. I like the emotional roller coaster. Doesn't everybody? You know you strip my stomach of its lining and the lows you give me make me quiver and shake.

Everyone loves you. I mean, my own best friend bought me a new mug to put you in. My own best friend! How could you? I even carried a new “maker” into the office yesterday like a newborn because the old one was bastardizing your efforts. When I am unmotivated, you are my muse. You turn a listless life into one of panic and efficiency. You have single handedly saved the world and are responsible for its progress. How can a girl resist such power? Locke sang because of your drug. Swift crafted his greatest stabs at the cruelty of the human machine because you sped up and dragged out his formerly muted anguish. How can you turn cold so quickly? Why do you sour after an hour? Why do I keep coming back for more? I don't know how to quit you.

A Gift