New Years Manual

If you're anything like the typical being you have probably found New Year's one of the most disappointing holidays of the year. Why? Well, there are numerous theories about being exhausted from the soul sucking Xmas rush or being tapped out of funds because you tried to buy something that would warrant a smile from even your least liked friends. Maybe New Year's blows because the entire party is centered around watching a glorified tangle of mini lights slide down a stick. Whatever the reason, here are some ways to weather the New Years Disapparty.

The Show You Are Missing

*Don't focus on your resolutions (you know they're non committal fluff you delude yourself into believing for the purpose of giving your life the illusion of momentum); focus on your friends. Have they had enough to drink? Have they had enough of your drink? And perhaps their neighbor's drink? Alcohol is the key here. You can even slip them some extra happy with a Benadryl in their champagne. Any over the counter decongestant will do the trick. Why are you inevitably lining your friends up to hunch down over the toilet bowl? Because they are damned entertaining right before they decide to relive everything they ate that day in reverse. You can gage the success of their show by following this simple rubric:

*- one star for any embarrassing gesture or utterance such as confessions of obsession, true love or incredible lust, small stumbles, Freudian slips, etc.

** - two stars for gestures or utterances made to the same sex, humping of any inanimate object, admittance of infatuation to a co worker of a higher position, the phrase “Where are my shoes?” or impromptu karaoke without a karaoke machine.

*** - three stars for a fight, urination in inappropriate places such as plants, the kitty litter box, and/or roommates' beds, floor swimming (an activity that occurs when you just want to lay down and the hardwood floor looks so comfortable, but getting up from it induces the spins), inappropriate molestation of a passed out party member including, but not limited to Sharpie art, clothing removal, incriminating poses with animals/furniture, tea bagging, fruit baskets, warm water hand tricks, etc.

**** - four stars for same sex making out sessions, illicit sexual acts, police/FBI raid, anything that warrants the fire department to stop by, any of the aforementioned acts video taped and posted on the Internet.

Instigate Marital Strife

Many New Years bouts of misery are directly related to the fact that everyone has had/ is having more sex than you. If you find yourself the single one out in these situations, you may experience great satisfaction in unmasking their “happy couple”smugness.

Step 1 – Pick a topic known to bring dystopia to the union.

- past sexual partners

- household chores

- married yet?

- what about baby?

- “alone” time

- driving

- flirting with strangers

- breaking up/divorce statistics

Step 2 – Make topic personal. For example, Mandy and Tom are smiling artificially at you when they ask who you are dating. You simple smile back and say, “Well, I am a free agent. I don't believe in relationships or monogamy. It's so incredible to be able to just enjoy yourself without having to worry about (insert topic of choice). I mean if (either Mandy or Tom) were single, I'd show you how freeing it can be. *touch target on the shoulder, look into target's eyes* Remember that time, (name of target)? Denial at this point will only help you. Just smile knowingly and walk away seductively. Make sure to look over at the chosen target every couple of minutes in order to ensure a lasting effect.

Step 3 - Enjoy the rewards of a well placed wrench. Mingle, pair off the separated ones with each other so the party goes from a collection of gooey couples to one messy blob, much more fun.

Make Your Own Ball

Attitude is everything. Convince yourself that no matter how lame or lumpy you may feel, this party WILL rock so drink, sing, pants a few people and to hell with everyone else. If you don't make things happy, no one will.