ghetto. I am usually still telling him about how my nerves have successfully made my entire digestive tract into a slip and slide as I swerve between pee soaked homeless men in order to park my car in a location that won't make it easy for them to use it as a lavatory. After this, I nervously walk up to the place, hoping that I've got my dress and make up correct to fit in at whatever hellhole I have somehow sacrificed my dignity to attend. Once inside, I am still nervous because not only am I an amazon, but I am also alone and can't tell if I will actually recognize my friends in the dark. Forget about hearing anything and forget about feeling the cell phone vibrate. The music is too damned loud and at this point, I think I may have a concussion from the bass.After I get to the bar and am ignored by the female bar tender, I get my usual: vodka tonic. I do this for a few reasons; vodka tonics are strong, they won't make me bloat, the tonic eases my now vat of acid acting as a stomach, and they don't taste like a hypoglycemic nightmare. I drink and awkwardly stare in the dark at people that I am not sure are my friends. When I do see them, I remember that I don't know them all that well. Any friends that I am close with have learned that these kinds of situations suck. So, I dance a bit to the music that is too loud to be enjoyed. I look around and wonder if any of these people are dying of thirst like I am. I wonder if the man now grinding himself into me realizes that he is at level with my knee, and as much as my knees need lovin too, it's quite uncomfortable. Of course when I lose balance from this dance of midget on stork, he thinks I am being affectionate.
It's not a rare occurrence for me to be at these places on an all girl night. When us girls want to "stand in a circle around our purses and shoes"*, I am frequently the last to get hit on and therefor the "cockblocking bi
tch". I don't mean to be and, hell, who wants to admit they never get hit on? It isn't because I am super ugly or fat or anything. It's usually because I live in a place where short girls with tiny everythings are coveted by short men with tiny other things. It's just how this town is. I'll just say it: I'm white. That's not to say I can't dance or don't have assets. I am just not the type that would ever cook dinner in my stilettos after arranging my Precious Moments figurines when I come home from church with our twelve children, all named after my husband, who is the picture of machismo. Tall, white girls don't usually do it for these folks. So, I am left. If I do get approached, it is by the most intoxicated or the most creepy person in the bar.My best friend, Human Google, often shakes his head in amazement when I tell him what I did the night before. He is eager to remind me that real people don't do things like that exclusively. Sure, once in a while it's fun to say you lost twenty percent of your hearing in an effort to get close to people, but for the most part people of quality know better; they usually throw parties.
So, for tonight, a Saturday night, I am sitting home writing long winded blogs and he is out at Vagina Slims, feeling uncomfortable while he drinks his screwdriver and girls with low self esteem dance on bars in glorified underwear. I know he is looking around right now realizing he's actually surrounded by horny frat guys, who frankly scare him and make him ashamed of his gender. Who knows, maybe he'll even try and rub himself on a random girl because that's what he is continually told is fun.
Nah, he's just standing there awkwardly screaming in order to have some sort of conversation with the guys he went there with. They will all come home without numbers or names, just as I have and wonder how the hell people find this sort of thing entertaining.
*Dane Cook reference
Yes, I am a dork
2 comments:
Yes, clubs do suck. But that's where chicks go, so we've got to make the attempt or something. Sigh.
What chicks? This chick rarely goes. How do you even talk to people? They are also so rude there. It's like "you did come here to hit on, right? So why are you acting like my advances are violating your sensibilities?"
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