Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Blank Stares
There is a story my sister tells about being so stoned and paranoid at being caught that when her friend walked in the front door, she hastily set herself up on the couch and pretended to be mesmerized by the program on television.
The TV was off.
Whatever appeal she found in that black square is now available for your iphone:
Proof that people will stare at an empty screen.
You can make the screen on an iphone go to black on command without the app, of course, if you prefer darkened and distorted versions of your reflection. This is equivalent to dressing yourself in the reflection of your car door.
My sister stared intently at the blank television screen thanks to recreational stimulants. So, I have to ask, what are all these people smoking?
For more Apple-flavored haterade: uSheep
and another app.: A 1,000$ social status label
The TV was off.
Whatever appeal she found in that black square is now available for your iphone:
Proof that people will stare at an empty screen.
You can make the screen on an iphone go to black on command without the app, of course, if you prefer darkened and distorted versions of your reflection. This is equivalent to dressing yourself in the reflection of your car door.
My sister stared intently at the blank television screen thanks to recreational stimulants. So, I have to ask, what are all these people smoking?
For more Apple-flavored haterade: uSheep
and another app.: A 1,000$ social status label
Monday, July 20, 2009
Let's Pretend We're Married
Throughout my life, I have found that all of the traditional milestones and phases of my development that were advertised as momentous and awesome occasions have been nothing short of whopping festivals of disappointment. Graduation pictures of family members crowded around you in the gown symbolic for the death of your freedom and your inauguration into suffering (bills, work, bills, work) make it appear like the event is some sort of dignified celebration of your accomplishments. In reality, it turns out that those pictures capture nothing more more than the five minutes spent outside of an auditorium, crammed with thousands of people who are forced to sit through the self-indulgent speeches of figures they have never met or even heard of. You bear all of this to hear a stranger mispronounce your name in a conveyor belt of awkward handshakes and "turn and smile"s while you hypnotize yourself with repeated prayers that your heels won't get caught in the large cracks in the floor of the makeshift stage. People will actually sit through hours of this kind of torture willingly, yet I can't get my students to stay awake for ninety minutes while I tell them about the most influential works of the entire human experience. People are terrible.
Back to the topic, most "life occasions" fell flat for me. College was not a party. It was a four year long study session, a prolonged stay in a forum for criticism, and an expensive one at that. It wasn't parties, orgies and a reliving of the sixties. High school was not all cheerleading and prom dates and driving tests. It was being a ridiculed minority and a part time retail whore.
So, you can imagine that the next milestone that will be coming up (since I am somewhere in the land of 20s) is marriage. I know I am not the norm. Weddings were always awkward occasions. In fact, they reminded me of Bar Mitzvahs more than anything. A rehearsed show for people who are there for the food, stimulants and perhaps to find a way to move forward to whatever sexual base they haven't achieved. Of course, you go to honor the relationship of your closest kin, but let's be honest, wedding attendees fall into the following categories.
- I am here because so-and-so are my closest friend/friends and it is my duty to be at these occasions. This probably the most genuine you can get. (5% of guests)
-I am here because so-and-so was at my wedding and I don't want to be ousted from the family for resisting my mandatory time with them. I must show up, buy a gift that they deem appropriate and by no means say anything that I am thinking throughout the course of the night. Also, I must hog the camera to keep myself from getting bored. Getting wasted wouldn't hurt either. (60% of guests)
-I am here because I want to believe that an actual lasting marriage is possible and I have unfounded hope for these two. I will probably eat more than I should and feel too enormous to actually dance. I will be the idiot crying even though I barely know the couple. (10% of guests)
- I am here because I love to watch a wreck. I know that these people are doing this for many reasons (save the relationship, scared of being alone, someone is preggers, someone cheated, someone is a control freak, etc), none of them being actual compatibility and love. I will drink and have the best damned time ever at this ceremony of poor judgment. (25% of guests)
Because of the disease that I contracted at the age of 7 years old (Bitteritis), my Barbies didn't have weddings. They owned ice cream stores and had sex in the back room. They never wore wedding dresses. They wore kick ass mini skirts and high heels. They may have been pregnant, but for the most part they adopted ponies. So, from an early age, I knew I wanted love, but not so much the marriage part (and ponies). Some people, mostly girls, believe that marriage is a milestone they must pass in their lifetime. They even have specs on when it should occur and how. I think that's a little much to ask from something based on finding one person you can stand long enough to be around for the rest of your existence. One would figure the odds of that are very slim and confining the end of this search to take place in your late 20s seems ludicrous to me. It took me 15 years to find a friend that I call "best". It's taken me 23 years to find a guy I actually liked and trusted. Maybe I have a learning disability based on the early onset of Bitteritis that makes it hard for me to understand this whole deal. Now, don't get me wrong, I have known a (singular) couple that I believe belong together and, at their wedding, I will be part of that 5% that doesn't believe the whole thing is a giant waste of money whose sole purpose is to make breaking up incredibly complicated and soul-murdering. But, for the bulk of this post, I believe that marriage expectations are ridiculous and part of that is due to "girl training".
And after way too much exposition and flat attempts at humor, I reveal the nugget of this social conditioning.
Things like this real life advertisment kill me.
It happened to pop up as an ad on the side of a blog site. It's part of a website where teens and kiddies can make their own avatar and dress them up and make them have lives that don't resemble life in the least (where is my purple unicorn and unlimited cotton candy tree?). Girls and teen-minded ladies, I present the "Romantic Proposal Game". There was never a better title in all of living history.
You can look at the description of this gender-conditioning fantasy right here.
If I created this game, it would involve levels you have to pass to achieve desired proposal:
- Sexual Fulfillment Level
* Holding out as long as possible to make him/her "want it more" mini game
* Doing things you never thought you'd do to keep his/her attention properly titled "Is your dignity bigger than your insecurity?" mini game
* Hiding your dissatisfaction/lack of fulfillment
If you are not successful in the mini games in the level, you will have to engage in battle.
Battles
-Battles consist of who did more hurt to the other and who can dole it out quicker
-In a successful battle, both parties see that they are too exhausted to fight and start over at the Sexual Fulfillment Level
-Guilt points are accumulated in battles that you lose which can limit your progression to the next level. At times, if your partner has enough guilt points, you can skip right to the end of the game to "Romantic Proposal"
-Getting Comfortable Level
*Main puzzle requires you to resist settling and to constantly reignite a burnt out match
If you can survive the "Getting Comfortable" level with enough energy/life to propose without any guilt points or last resort thoughts, then you can achieve the Romantic Proposal and you may be eligible for the "Lasting Marriage" Challenge.
If at any time you skip straight to the Romantic Proposal without mastering the "Getting Comfortable" level, your chances of getting past the "Lasting Marriage" challenge are minuscule.
Spreading Bitteritis To Those You Love
Date a Unicorn
Don't Date a T-Rex
Back to the topic, most "life occasions" fell flat for me. College was not a party. It was a four year long study session, a prolonged stay in a forum for criticism, and an expensive one at that. It wasn't parties, orgies and a reliving of the sixties. High school was not all cheerleading and prom dates and driving tests. It was being a ridiculed minority and a part time retail whore.
So, you can imagine that the next milestone that will be coming up (since I am somewhere in the land of 20s) is marriage. I know I am not the norm. Weddings were always awkward occasions. In fact, they reminded me of Bar Mitzvahs more than anything. A rehearsed show for people who are there for the food, stimulants and perhaps to find a way to move forward to whatever sexual base they haven't achieved. Of course, you go to honor the relationship of your closest kin, but let's be honest, wedding attendees fall into the following categories.
- I am here because so-and-so are my closest friend/friends and it is my duty to be at these occasions. This probably the most genuine you can get. (5% of guests)
-I am here because so-and-so was at my wedding and I don't want to be ousted from the family for resisting my mandatory time with them. I must show up, buy a gift that they deem appropriate and by no means say anything that I am thinking throughout the course of the night. Also, I must hog the camera to keep myself from getting bored. Getting wasted wouldn't hurt either. (60% of guests)
-I am here because I want to believe that an actual lasting marriage is possible and I have unfounded hope for these two. I will probably eat more than I should and feel too enormous to actually dance. I will be the idiot crying even though I barely know the couple. (10% of guests)
- I am here because I love to watch a wreck. I know that these people are doing this for many reasons (save the relationship, scared of being alone, someone is preggers, someone cheated, someone is a control freak, etc), none of them being actual compatibility and love. I will drink and have the best damned time ever at this ceremony of poor judgment. (25% of guests)
Because of the disease that I contracted at the age of 7 years old (Bitteritis), my Barbies didn't have weddings. They owned ice cream stores and had sex in the back room. They never wore wedding dresses. They wore kick ass mini skirts and high heels. They may have been pregnant, but for the most part they adopted ponies. So, from an early age, I knew I wanted love, but not so much the marriage part (and ponies). Some people, mostly girls, believe that marriage is a milestone they must pass in their lifetime. They even have specs on when it should occur and how. I think that's a little much to ask from something based on finding one person you can stand long enough to be around for the rest of your existence. One would figure the odds of that are very slim and confining the end of this search to take place in your late 20s seems ludicrous to me. It took me 15 years to find a friend that I call "best". It's taken me 23 years to find a guy I actually liked and trusted. Maybe I have a learning disability based on the early onset of Bitteritis that makes it hard for me to understand this whole deal. Now, don't get me wrong, I have known a (singular) couple that I believe belong together and, at their wedding, I will be part of that 5% that doesn't believe the whole thing is a giant waste of money whose sole purpose is to make breaking up incredibly complicated and soul-murdering. But, for the bulk of this post, I believe that marriage expectations are ridiculous and part of that is due to "girl training".
And after way too much exposition and flat attempts at humor, I reveal the nugget of this social conditioning.
Things like this real life advertisment kill me.
It happened to pop up as an ad on the side of a blog site. It's part of a website where teens and kiddies can make their own avatar and dress them up and make them have lives that don't resemble life in the least (where is my purple unicorn and unlimited cotton candy tree?). Girls and teen-minded ladies, I present the "Romantic Proposal Game". There was never a better title in all of living history.
You can look at the description of this gender-conditioning fantasy right here.
If I created this game, it would involve levels you have to pass to achieve desired proposal:
- Sexual Fulfillment Level
* Holding out as long as possible to make him/her "want it more" mini game
* Doing things you never thought you'd do to keep his/her attention properly titled "Is your dignity bigger than your insecurity?" mini game
* Hiding your dissatisfaction/lack of fulfillment
If you are not successful in the mini games in the level, you will have to engage in battle.
Battles
-Battles consist of who did more hurt to the other and who can dole it out quicker
-In a successful battle, both parties see that they are too exhausted to fight and start over at the Sexual Fulfillment Level
-Guilt points are accumulated in battles that you lose which can limit your progression to the next level. At times, if your partner has enough guilt points, you can skip right to the end of the game to "Romantic Proposal"
-Getting Comfortable Level
*Main puzzle requires you to resist settling and to constantly reignite a burnt out match
If you can survive the "Getting Comfortable" level with enough energy/life to propose without any guilt points or last resort thoughts, then you can achieve the Romantic Proposal and you may be eligible for the "Lasting Marriage" Challenge.
If at any time you skip straight to the Romantic Proposal without mastering the "Getting Comfortable" level, your chances of getting past the "Lasting Marriage" challenge are minuscule.
Spreading Bitteritis To Those You Love
Date a Unicorn
Don't Date a T-Rex
Play Now, My Lord
I was going to litter this page with long-winded sentences and sarcasm, but I feel these ridiculous web-ads speak for themselves.
In the end, I assess that this site will be filled with fat,adolescent guys and pathetic older creepers parading around in an avatar with either humongous boobs or an overly stuffed cod-piece. For women to want to play something like this (and yes, there are geeky woman gamers) the ads would have to feature a suit of armor, much like King Henry's (actual armor - complete with overly swollen bulge) and the words "I live to serve" or "Command me now, Mistress". But, guessing as most girls won't settle for CG swords, they'll stick to their Romantic Proposal Game. A girl would never stoop as low as to engage in virtual war or sex, only virtual love.
In the end, I assess that this site will be filled with fat,adolescent guys and pathetic older creepers parading around in an avatar with either humongous boobs or an overly stuffed cod-piece. For women to want to play something like this (and yes, there are geeky woman gamers) the ads would have to feature a suit of armor, much like King Henry's (actual armor - complete with overly swollen bulge) and the words "I live to serve" or "Command me now, Mistress". But, guessing as most girls won't settle for CG swords, they'll stick to their Romantic Proposal Game. A girl would never stoop as low as to engage in virtual war or sex, only virtual love.
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