The Highway Communion

I don't know about the rest of the nation, but living in So. Florida has afforded a subversive culture centered around the highway. The situation is unique to Florida's design. South Florida was built on the beach, as close to the sand as possible, and over time cities have expanded more and more to the west. This continued until they hit upon the everglades and were forced to stop. Aside from the ever pungent smell of the man-made lakes, the half sinking developments on the brink of the marsh, and the spotting of rare birds on the highway, the impact on nature was barely measured...I mean immeasurable. Because of the urban sprawl, massive highways were constructed so that middle class inhabitants could bypass all of the overpriced and upper class developments to go see their other middle class friends on the other side of the county. There is no one here who doesn't have to take at least a 20 minute drive to visit their good friend. It's become so bad that even if you live down the street from a friend, you are forced through five lane roads with a light every three cars.

As a result, you live in your car, which is actually a good thing considering how the stark heat is hot enough to make your hair start to smolder once you are exposed to the bare sun. Most of the time people mistake this time in the car for alone time. I say that people should roll down their windows and share the experience with the other 200 people on the road with them. We already sort of communicate with them. A passing glance, a nonchalant flip of the bird, or even a polite yet firm honk of the horn are everyday ways to get to those around you. Below you will find list of activities that will break the ice with other drivers who share in the same misery and drained bank accounts that come with commuting.

The things we have done in the car:

* Make signs. Perhaps you want to brighten someone's day with a, "Hey, you're hot. What's your #?", or a "Take your hand off your boyfriend's cock and drive!".

* Projectiles are often an important way to hail someone's attention. Some people use pennies, we prefer something tastier and with staining abilities: melted M & Ms.

* I, personally, don't take my pants down while driving, but I have been mooned several times on the highway; a delightful way to introduce yourself. Nothing says, "Hey, ho. I want attention" than naked ass cheeks pressed against tinted windows.

* "Honk if you're....." stickers usually work. Insert whatever word you want: poor, hungry, horny, getting fired for lewd conduct, etc.

* Learn sign language. I-95 during most times of the day is nothing more than a farm for exhaust. I say have a chat with the car next to you with your hands. You can also just carry around a pad and pen and pass notes.

Whatever you choose to do to connect to your fellow commuter, for the love of God, keep the music to yourself. There is nothing more obnoxious, and by default, nothing that defeats the purpose more than trying to share your love of dirty gangster rap by ruining your expensive sound system in an attempt to spread what you, no doubt, find to be deep and prophetic musical stylings that can barely be heard over the the chatter and rattle of the exterior of your less than prestigious car.