It's A Boy!

____In today's more liberal world all kinds of lines are being crossed, blurred and tangled up into enormous knots of confusion. This kind of thing is expected in your everyday world when you live within driving distance of places like South Beach. In fact, it's a perk of living in South Florida (and believe me, it's probably the only one). However, gender roles and gender identity are rarely questioned in other realms, or so I thought.

____Last night it was brought to my attention that the name I bestowed upon my overactive female kitten actually belonged to a male. Nermal, the ditsy and annoyingly happy counterpart to the ever dry and wry Garfield, was drawn with gray stripes and eyelashes. These are obvious female traitss. Nermal was also voiced by a female, Desirée Goyette. I'm not talking a female voice that is ambiguous like Bart Simpson's speaker, Nancy Cartwright, but Nermal had a decidedly woman's voice. When this was brought to my attention last night, I immediately felt guilty for corrupting the gender identity of the cat. However, the name and the gender confusion sort of fit. I guess it works being that Nermal the actual cat is extra large, super aggressive and has a throaty meow. Speaking of androgynous eighties childhood characters, I purposely named my effeminate male cat Atreyu after the confusingly femme character in The Never Ending Story. I guess they match now. Don't ever be a pet of mine.

So, I started to think back on other characters from childhood that were in the middle of identity crises.

Tweety -
Male or Female? Decidedly male. Don't believe me? Tweety's sex has always been shrouded in mystery, but the experts at the wiki have come to a conclusion. Here's another site with some more evidence.

Big Bird -
Oh, Big Bird. Big Bird was a tough one for me growing up. My grandmother and Big Bird shared a lot of the same traits; the hair for one. Big Bird was also tall and nervous like grandma. So, Big Bird was obviously female to me. Most people have been wise to the truth of his maleness.


Blue Meanie -
Maybe not as confusing gender-wise because Blue Meanie is obviously a male, but the voicing of Blue Meanie, the make up, the fuck me boots, the weird half pointed hand gesture, etc all point to drag queen.
















Him -
This Blue Meanie rip off from PowerPuff Girls is named "Him", so no question there even if he is totally drag queen.








Atreyu -
Let's just say I had many confused feelings about Atreyu.



Care Bears -
I am fairly certain that there is more than enough confusion going on up there in Care-a-Lot. How many can you confidently identify?






















Are there any others I forgot? Let me know.

Anatomy of a Nerd

As times change and people adapt to their new and ever growing world, our perspectives of what is valuable morph. Our needs are modified in order to fit what qualifies as “success” as things get more and more complex and we become more and more dependent on technology.

Starting in the fifties, the country's attentiveness towards all things technological and scientific has turned on more than a few trends. The nerd, the opposite to others such as a return to nature, a return to a sixth sense, etc, has been present and is rising in popularity. When massive calamities such as Y2K come along, we turn to our intellectuals and for all of their stereotyped clumsiness and uncharismatic quirks, we adore them.

Athletes are somewhat still the leaders in stereotypes of men that get the girl, but with the recent boost in superhero movies and the surge in interest in these physically able men by night/super intellectual by day, the brawny athlete has taken a back seat. The preferred man is a morph between intellectual and smooth talker. He is the nerd without the social frigidness and in superhero cases, he is also the physical wonder.

But, in a world where media has been throwing out images of the unfaithful boyfriend, the liar, the cheater, the con artist and the pick up artists the praise for the nerd has skyrocketed. What is the moral of the show Beauty and the Geek? That these socially challenged guys are actually the greatest people most of the bimbettes will ever meet. But is it really ok to get a cheap laugh from their inexperience and obvious discomfort because we pat them on the head and praise them for not being assholes? Not to mention, does a pretty and sexy girl have to be a total vapid waste of space? Does adoring them give us permission to laugh at them as well? It's the reverse of using Randy in My Name Is Earl for comic relief. Oh, look how cute the idiot is. Today he put his fork in the outlet. It was hilarious. The Big Bang Theory seems to foster the reverse: Oh look at how cute the nerd is. He's upset because he can't be Frodo for Halloween.

A few weeks back I caught an episode of The Big Bang Theory and was offended. Now, I do claim a little territory in the nerd kingdom because of my love for Shatner, writing blogs, reading sci-fi, having dated a D&D master and befriending mostly geniuses. I know that these things put me into that category. Watching The Big Bang Theory was like watching someone claim that Dangerous Minds was an accurate portrayal of a teaching experience.

In addition to the show's serious lack of morals when it comes to making characters out of stereotypes, their selection of punchlines and stereotypical plot fodder is repulsive to anyone who even has any claim in the “nerd” universe. Sure, stereotypes are bad, but I also know they exist for a reason. They work and get a rise out of people because when you point them out, most people think “Hell, that IS true about someone I know of that grouping”. However, to write a show based solely on these things makes your characters nothing more than walking characaters. To saturate your script with catch phrases and trite interests is offensive to those of us who actually know what you are talking about. You aren't connecting with an audience, you are repelling them. It is just as offensive as having a show about an African American family who talks about loving fried chicken and watermelon. It is like having a Jewish family sitcom where all the characters do is count their money and talk in an annoying accent. Or it is like making a show about trailer park inhabitants who are so dim witted, it's amazing they haven't choked on their own spit.

Let me show you exactly what I am talking about.

Watch this: "The Middle Earth Paradigm" Episode of The Big Bang Theory

Or if you Torrent it's Episode Six of Big Bang Theory, The

The Dissection Table

***The episode starts off with a few jokes about a lost paint ball tournament where the “nerds” admittedly lose to a bunch of 13 year old Bar Mitvah attendees. One remarks that the other hid behind a tree barking orders instead of going out there to fight.
Implication: Nerds are no good at physical adventures such as paint ball and they are cowards

***The neighbor girl asks them to a party. They ask, “A boy/girl party?” and “Will there be dancing?”
Implication: Nerds never interact with girls or do anything physical like dancing.

**The nerds ask if the Halloween Party has a theme. The girl doesn't understand.
Implication: Normal people don't know what themed parties are.

***The nerds list cosplay themes like anime, manga, science fiction..
Implication: All intellectuals participate in cosplay. Seriously, people who engage in cosplay don't necessarily run in the same circles as people who are proficient in science or are into computers or who are even intellectual (or whatever category you are cramming these ambiguous and sad characters into). People belonging to the cosplay subculture and even gamers in general or anime fans all have separate interests with separate circles of friends. The thing they may have in common would be that they are seen as “unpopular” in a high school setting, but the last time I checked, that didn't make you a nerd.

***The nerds all dress as The Flash and they bicker over it.

Implication: The Flash is some sort of hero to the nerds of the world. All I can say is that this is totally ridiculous. The Flash is just a random comic book character and not even a very good one at that. Even comic book enthusiasts don't worship The Flash. So here we are again, mixing up groups and interests in the name of who would be unpopular in a high school setting.

***The nerds fight over the Frodo Baggins costume.

Implication: Nerds love the LOTR trilogy and they all want to be Frodo. The LOTR trilogy is a pop nerd phenomenon. Most Fantasy fans acknowledge it and have read it and enjoyed it, but there are far better books of this genre as well. In fact, the nerds here are very science oriented, the group of Fantasy enthusiasts isn't necessarily the same. Yet another pigeon hole for these “nerds”.

***The nerds show up five minutes after the agreed upon time and the blond girlie host is caught off gaurd because no one has shown up yet and she hasn't even showered.
Implication: Being rude is cool and being punctual is lame. When did we become the society in Idiocracy?

***The nerds watch and analyze the partygoers like a science project.
Implication: People with intellect don't understand simple interactions.

***Frodo nerd decides to not be intimidated by the love interest's boyfriend who is dressed as Tarzan, touting that he is superior in the information age because he is smart. The Tarzan man picks up Frodo nerd after Frodo throws around a few insults coated with large words.

Implication: This scene is just embarrassing to both sides because now they have stereotyped the physically able man as an idiot and in the end, he still picks up Frodo and embarrasses him enough to make him leave the party.

***The love interest cries on the shoulder of the nerd who is unsure of how to comfort her.
Implication: Intellectuals are cold and have no idea how to comfort.

***Love interest kisses nerd and he asks how drunk she is and doesn't take advantage of her.
Implication: Only drunk girls give it up to social rejects who wouldn't even take it when handed to them.

This show needs to be more responsible and less offensive to those of us who understand more than the mere catch phrases and nerd quirks that general society has tied to being a loser. Just because a nerd gets kissed in the end doesn't make it acceptable to laugh at him for the other 19 minutes of this torturous and shallow show.

Magnetic Poop Is Choking Hazard

When this blog first emerged, it did so as a result of trauma. Last year's holiday season brought us the terrifying child's toy Butterscotch Pony, the life-sized pony that requires that parents assemble it away from their children for its mechanical head is packaged separately and such a vision may scar young children.

This year the prize winner for toy best kept away from children is Barbie and Her Doggie, Tanner. Yes, folks. You can feed Tanner biscuits that look the same going in as they do coming out. You can also dazzle your young one with a fabulous magnetic pooper scooper. I am sure that's what every little girl wants: to to play with her dog's crap in a twisted training regime that will condition her to carry around pockets of plastic baggies every time she walks real Fido. She could try magnets in her real life to clean up after her pooch, but I am not sure that would work.

Even more shocking is the media hooplah around the toy and its magnetic pooper scooper. Apparently, the magnet comes loose and kids can choke on it. Also, kids have been eating the round "biscuits".

At least they weren't converted into a date rape drug upon digestion.

You don't have to take my word for it. This seems to be a hot blog topic.

The Technology Liberation Front already wrote my blog for me and even illustrated it with a better graphics.

Y Jesus?

Hilarious Offensive Material Provided By: This Guy

We now continue with your regularly scheduled blog...

Zen and the Art of the Grillz

______As I advance in years, I watch the youth around me voraciously cling to trends and pop culture practices in order to find a group that will welcome them and embrace them as individuals. However, once in a while a trend is so artfully expressed, so creatively refined, that it ascends beyond the fifteen minute time limit. In today's terms, this would be that which is classical and timeless, a trend that is more “a revolution of the mind”*, such a force of truth and beauty that to part with it would mean the collapse of our social civilization.

_____I am talking about that which is the staple of an entire cultural experience: The Grillz.

_____Its wearers sacrifice the health of one of their most important orifices to honor the practice of Grillin'. Hours of bleeding gums, chipped enamel, rotting remnants of your last five meals, Grillz fosters them all while still showing your dawg you have enough cheese to afford such high gloss ice. These oral ornaments are a salute to the creator in thanks for his most masterful creation housed in the human body, “teef”.

_____True Grillaz, wearers of the Grillz, know that any old snap-ons or cubic zirconium studded incisors are a shameful display and are only worn by the most sycophantic of Grillaz wannabes. Proper Grillz require an oral jeweler, a rare genius gifted in the application of, removal of, and general maintenance of Grillz. To be sure that your oral jeweler is of a high caliber, you may want to ask him these few questions:

1. How many Grillz have you installed?

2. If one were to lose a few karats by accident, how long would it take for it to pass through one's digestive system?

3. Would you be willing to recover said karats?

4. If I can't afford gold, which polishes would guarantee my brass Grillz won't tarnish?

5. Can I please get a certification of authenticity with my Grillz so I can pass it on as a family heirloom?

Maintaining healthy Grillz is important if you are serious about honoring this legendary practice. Here are a few rules to abide by when wearing your Grillz:

1. Never ever smile with actual happiness with Grillz in your mouth. This will cause scratching and bleeding in your inner mouth.

2. Remove Grillz whenever engaging in oral sex of any kind. Not only is it extremely disrespectful to wear Grillz while engaging in such activities, it is a surefire way to lose your companion for the evening.

3. When displaying proper dedication, it may be necessary to skip meals or start an all liquid diet when proper cleaning utensils are not available and you are asked to dine in any situation.

4. BRACES are by no means the “training bra” of a mature Grillz. Please don't cheese like they are.

5. Incorporating his lord and savior into any piece of jewelry is the finest way to commemorate an entire religion's basis of existence. This is true for Grillz are well.

6. By no means shall wearing tin foil or gum wrappers ever be considered anything less than blasphemy.

7. Grillz are a powerful weapon. Please bite responsibly.

Quality grillz can be purchased at:

Grillz Authority

Abercrombie and Grillz

The Grillz Barn

Resortation HardGrillz

and, the most reliable of all Grillz retailers: Grillz R Us. (please be sure to turn you volume up for the complete experience)

*quote hijacked from Vanilla Sky

Bricks, loads, and dumps

Turkey Composite

When the stress rises beyond the shrug off or the close your eyes until it goes away phase, I like to indulge in doing as little as possible. Somewhere deep in the cracked corners of my personality, I feel that by not interacting with the world, it can't possibly explode in my face. For instance, a bad day may decide to top itself when I come home to make dinner by ensuring that I char whatever meal I decide to prepare. Or perhaps it manifests its last stab of the day in a hilarious visual to accompany the song "Fire, Water, Burn". Either way, I decide that when these days come around and do what they do (no kiss) that I do as little as possible as not to aggravate whatever force is in charge of things like turning my car into a magnet for paint or making sure that I put a pair of pants on with underwear still stored in the leg. Inevitably, I discover it and yank it out in front of my entire staff after feeling that something was off and perhaps I had gained weight in my back knee area. So, tonight, after a day I shall never relate, I decided that I needed to stay away from the stove and get some drive thru dinner.

Feeling like a greasy and gluttonous manatee, I chose something with a comfort food feel. Yes, turkey and mashed potatoes. Sure, it's only like 6 or 7 bucks, but really - we are paying for convenience here.

I come home with my little baggie containing a cafeteria style divided plate and plastic covering and dig in. Potatoes, perfect for something that comes in flake form before you water to it. Veggies, not bad. Turkey. Is this turkey? It tastes, and sort of looks like, a wet washcloth. This isn't turkey! This is some kind of composite of gamey poultry and parts of other animals that were rejected from the hot dog factories.

I am a purist in a lot of senses. I like to have furniture made of wood, not pressed wood or composites of wood or cardboard with flecks of oak in it. I expect this kind of blended materials from, perhaps, construction paper- not from turkey.

Below the pie chart will demonstrate the complete oneness of the "bird" or "animals" I just consumed.

Who thought that when you blended all those ingredients together you'd get something that tasted like a down comforter after you put it through the washer?

It just goes to show; on bad days, just stay in bed and don't move.

Worst.Cookie.Ever. (H)

Below is a scanned fortune I got after opening my fortune cookie. This is real, folks.


I wish this wasn't actually my life...

i is for idiot

Why is my favorite MP3 skipping? I thought we created MP3s to end the mind splattering effects of skipping. Records skipped and scratched and made all sorts of womb-like noises when they warped. Tapes slowed down your favorite beat and garbled lyrics. When CDs skipped, it sounded like an epilepsy fit. When iTunes skips, it sounds like you've been duped. Duped into Dling and getting yourself into a net where Apple controls whose computer what files are played on, which tunes you are willing to fork cash over to get, and how to read your most intimate collection of life soundtracks. Seriously, the way it does all those creepy things subversively when you first get it can be frightening. It labels all your songs, does all this research without you knowing, bringing back full album artwork and categorizing your files. While it goes behind your back and arranges all of your personals to fit the patterns of their master music filing system, you are left with grandfather speeds of processing, leaving the skipping song to grind on your nerves.

Who trusts something this invading? I mean, now somewhere - there is an imprint of your account. For some reason, the identification of my bank card is less personal and offensive than the identification linked to my personal music.

Yea, I have heard the arguments: iTunes is awesome. iTunes syncs with your ipod (which I DO NOT own). iTunes labels everything and makes it easy for you to pay legally for your music. iTunes only updates all your crap once and that is it. iTunes forces you to start a sentence with a lowercase letter.

I personally don't think a matter of filing that a half dyslexic secretary could organize is any trade off for the privacy and right to keep your crap as messy and random as it once was on Windows Media Player.

EYEtunes is more like it.

Yea, I'm a hater.

The Highway Communion

I don't know about the rest of the nation, but living in So. Florida has afforded a subversive culture centered around the highway. The situation is unique to Florida's design. South Florida was built on the beach, as close to the sand as possible, and over time cities have expanded more and more to the west. This continued until they hit upon the everglades and were forced to stop. Aside from the ever pungent smell of the man-made lakes, the half sinking developments on the brink of the marsh, and the spotting of rare birds on the highway, the impact on nature was barely measured...I mean immeasurable. Because of the urban sprawl, massive highways were constructed so that middle class inhabitants could bypass all of the overpriced and upper class developments to go see their other middle class friends on the other side of the county. There is no one here who doesn't have to take at least a 20 minute drive to visit their good friend. It's become so bad that even if you live down the street from a friend, you are forced through five lane roads with a light every three cars.

As a result, you live in your car, which is actually a good thing considering how the stark heat is hot enough to make your hair start to smolder once you are exposed to the bare sun. Most of the time people mistake this time in the car for alone time. I say that people should roll down their windows and share the experience with the other 200 people on the road with them. We already sort of communicate with them. A passing glance, a nonchalant flip of the bird, or even a polite yet firm honk of the horn are everyday ways to get to those around you. Below you will find list of activities that will break the ice with other drivers who share in the same misery and drained bank accounts that come with commuting.

The things we have done in the car:

* Make signs. Perhaps you want to brighten someone's day with a, "Hey, you're hot. What's your #?", or a "Take your hand off your boyfriend's cock and drive!".

* Projectiles are often an important way to hail someone's attention. Some people use pennies, we prefer something tastier and with staining abilities: melted M & Ms.

* I, personally, don't take my pants down while driving, but I have been mooned several times on the highway; a delightful way to introduce yourself. Nothing says, "Hey, ho. I want attention" than naked ass cheeks pressed against tinted windows.

* "Honk if you're....." stickers usually work. Insert whatever word you want: poor, hungry, horny, getting fired for lewd conduct, etc.

* Learn sign language. I-95 during most times of the day is nothing more than a farm for exhaust. I say have a chat with the car next to you with your hands. You can also just carry around a pad and pen and pass notes.

Whatever you choose to do to connect to your fellow commuter, for the love of God, keep the music to yourself. There is nothing more obnoxious, and by default, nothing that defeats the purpose more than trying to share your love of dirty gangster rap by ruining your expensive sound system in an attempt to spread what you, no doubt, find to be deep and prophetic musical stylings that can barely be heard over the the chatter and rattle of the exterior of your less than prestigious car.